You don't do all this moron stuff. I have certain rules I live by. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. It's like watching flies fuck! Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" You have no right to complain. not understanding that George Carlin was the type of person to roast one side, and when the other side started cheering he would turn and . The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. I think people should be allowed to do what they want. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeorge's websitehttps://georgecarlin.com/Social Media:\rInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelaughplanetofficial/\rYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiI_jyH_0yttWG-m5fBYGmA\rTwitter: https://twitter.com/laugh_planet\rWebsite: http://thelaughplanet.comContact us: ash98jha@gmai.com #GeorgeCarlin #Government #America #Comedy #LaughPlanet You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! Everyone says they suck. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. Its the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin different. (101), Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. ", "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. "Do you believe in. ""This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. A big bowl. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. And the supreme arrogance? And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. With Nina Feldman. it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? "GIMME THAT, IT'S MINE!" They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. 15. And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. God? Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, 83.Theres a reason education sucks, and its the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! Nine years ago today we lost not only one of our better comics, but one of our most vital and intelligent voices. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. They don't give a fuck about you. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? The planet doesn't need that. 12. After that, they don't want to know about you. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. Where are these people hiding? Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Uber is a mobile app that hails cabs for you. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. You know how we got it? 3. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. 34. But the Government Said I Have Rights | The Anarchist Library Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Several reasons. A man with only one lip. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? You ever watch golf on television? Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. 47. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. You see all, sooner or later. Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. Simple thing. Elect me. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. 4. Offer good while supplies last. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit. No war on homelessness. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Because I think we squandered great gifts. Its like watching flies fuck! What we need is a king, and every now and then if the kings not doing a good job, we kill him. The planet is fine. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked." "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. Change His plan? We are on a nice downward glide. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. I wish to be BLOWN UP. I started this website because I wanted to help people like you to maximize their potential and achieve their dreams. 37. And the supreme arrogance? A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, 44. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you shouldnt say because theyresins. You know the best thing about necrophilia? It's convenient. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? What do you want Him to do? It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes . Now, you come along, and pray for something. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. This country is big-time pig time Change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. They own, and control the corporations. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. Forget the politicians. The espresso machine is jammed? 39. Germany lost the Second World War. The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. Carlin, who was known for spewing critical rhetoric against the government, organized religion and big business, first delivered the quote during his 2005 HBO comedy special, Life Is Worth Losing . Selling is legal. ""You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? They'll get it. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. You have owners. People are wonderful one at a time. I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. I gave up on my countrymen. These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government Are these people kidding? Hope these quotes will give you a different perspective on government and how it works. In America, anyone can become president. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away. George Carlin, 77. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. George Carlin - IMDb In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. Bullshit is rampant. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. DBS MORNING SHOW & OBITUARIES 25TH APRIL 2023 APRIL 2023 - Facebook Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? Of course, I wouldn't abandon the religious theme completely. (206), There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting, I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. 2. 29. 41. Dont you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? That's generally been true. But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?". 19. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. [] I look at war a little bit differently. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. It creates a hostile work environment. 50. Happens to work. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. Thats the problem. George Carlin, 58. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money? Rights arent rights if someone can take them away. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. It's interested in its own power, THAT'S THE ONLY THING, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? 50 The Alchemist Quotes To Make You Follow Your Dreams, 195 Best Cobra Kai Quotes (Seasons 1 5), 70 Attack On Titan Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness, 37 The Lion King Quotes Filled With Powerful Life Lessons, Your email address will not be published. Only once have I lost my cool. And complaining about the politicians. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. 16. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, 13. I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. I'm here to help. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. They don't want to hear from you. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? That's generally been true. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Government is an important institution. 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out. Happened like that. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Were so self-important. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake. Really? It creates a hostile work environment. Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. And besides telling you things you shouldnt say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; Heres something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; heres something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; heres something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 oclock when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Thank God for that. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube Carlin got famous for his bit about the "words you can't say on television," but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. No. The Official Home of George Carlin- georgecarlin.com Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. They average over one hundred and fifty acres a piece that's three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles you could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racistthere's another thing; the only blacks you'll find at country clubs are carrying traysand a boring game. The planet is fine. Continue with Recommended Cookies. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Who stole my collection of used bandages?! They own you. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. Leave these fucking people alone for Christs sake. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. George Carlin, 33. They own you. His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!". A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line, I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. We won the big game today, yes sir!" You ever notice that? "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" Who cares? Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. - George Carlin. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. 87 Best George Carlin Quotes On Education, Politics & Life "Thy Will Be Done." Because theres no money in that problem. That's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix "pre". No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. They don't trust one another. For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. ""I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. 31. His medium was stand-up, but he touched on issues of race, class, politics and American life saying the kinds of things no one else dared. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. That's what you do. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. See, nobody can do it! The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? You want somethin' hot to suck on? They just care about having a comfortable place. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen not true. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. And they seem to understand what I'm talking about. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. Americans love to eat. Im talking about the real owners now the real owners. 11. It's true! Amen and Awomen. I like people who buck the system. Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin, 35. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. George Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out! This is what we have to offer. The FCC, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the first amendment to the Constitution. Its called dick fear! Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem!
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